She always been an unusual girl,
obscure. On her face was possible to verify that she was unable to control herself;
this aspect was accompanied with a strong impression of a person who overflow,
exhaling an intense energy, profound and savage, in all directions. The lack of
illusions or a stablished structure, or way, made her able to see many aspects
that were hidden to the other persons, because their illusions and well defined
mental structures. This aspect made her extremely inconstant, mutable,
mysterious and unpredictable, being dependent of the external environment do
define her character, being a whole new person depending on each situation that
she was facing. With this mutable aspect of her constitution, she constantly
felt as if her world was falling apart; the absence of defined structures, of
illusions and mechanisms that make feelings less intense, made her feel a deep
strength, coming from the deepest spots of her mind, every time when she faced
a new situation, or a deconstruction that destroyed her weak structures, her
mutable structures, and made her feel low, feel bad, attribute that inspired her
to change these obscure and terrifying scenarios that were formed in her mind.
That strength was something that make people jealous, for sure; however, for a
spectator who pays more attention was possible to identify a deep trauma, an
unusual mental constitution, as the generator of all that wild impulse, of all
that will. It seemed that she possessed a rare ability that I have never seen
before; her mind had kind of a huge capacity of imagination, an incredible
ability of giving a rational interpretation to many of her deep feelings,
attribute that make her deconstruct every well directed and strong unconscious conceptual
construction in her mind, making her face the reality without illusions or
ideas that make things easier and less intense. Her energy was created by scary
scenarios, by hurtful memories, and has as a goal changing everything that
bothers her, transforming the painful scenarios. Every new activity, every new attempt, was
seen, by her, as a chance of salvation, as an opportunity to change everything
that terrifies her. Everyone should have the opportunity to see her, to see her
capacity of trying, that was almost unbelievable; constantly I saw her body full
with cuts, bruises, burns and injuries, all in function of her intense
attempts, or, to be more precise, almost everything.
Some
of her scars and bruises were not descendant only of her untamed will; and it
seemed almost unbelievable — for a girl who loves to be alone and who pushed away, wisely and
carefully, everyone who tried to know her better, who tried to approach her, motivated
by her special aspects that in the minds of the admirers make them imagining as
being owners of these characteristics that make them felt more potent and
strong as never before — that a few hurts on her body were caused by people who were next to
her. I have never saw someone being so hated, it is serious, and the reasons
for that were vast and multiple. In the first place, people around her hated
her almost unconsciously, these sensations came as if they where something
profound and mysterious, as a strong feeling that they did not have enough imagination
and a logical capacity to measure with precision, to bring out from the dark
corners of their minds and to set in a more illuminated spot, making them
acting in function of these unconscious feelings and interpretations without
being able to measure, control and change them. When she entered in any place
it seemed as if she was kind of a wrecking, a wild destruction capable to
pulverize any well directed mind structure; only with her intense and unique
way of being she made everyone starts to question their most profound
illusions, that even with a small touch of doubt made people desperate, making
them hate, intensely, what started this despiteful feeling. In other persons,
her unusual way stimulated an intense curiosity, a deep and strong admiration;
she, that presented a constitution absolutely new, cannot be defined with
precision by anyone, this happened in function of the lack of similar
references that could be used as a base for a possible classification; without
an usual reference she was developed only by other’s people imagination, that
we all know that are unreal and exaggerated, making her become an intense and
beautiful symbol, that promised unimagined rewards in the deepest spots of
other people’s mind; and the common sense have the courage, the ignorance, to
say that beauty is only a symmetric facial
traits, or a body that is the latest trend… This reason, that only seems to
stay away from a profound hate, made many people try to talk to her, to know
her, and they were rejected, rapidly, by that different and special person. The
motivation for these rejections was obvious: Those people were limited and
cannot proportionate nothing to a person like her; their lack of imagination,
that make them susceptible to things that people say to them as being the truth
about the reality, made them had a small mind, that only could have simple and superficial
interpretation about feelings and things; in this aspect, they always found the
sexuality as being their most strong impulse and motivation, making them
imagining everything as being a sexual relation to them, this characteristic make them not dig their
minds in a more deep and multiple way, because of their well directed concepts
that could only see thing in a sexual way and nothing else. Even with a polite
rejection, she caused damages to the inflamed egos of her admirers; because of
being in front of something far beyond their own capacity, their own being,
these admirers felt reduced, being necessary, at any coast, deconstruct that
intense image in their heads, that caused a huge bad sensation, making them
felt low. This depreciation was executed efficiently by many people and,
consequently, the blind, stupid and susceptible ones absorb every words said by
damaged egos as if were unquestionable truths. To be more precise, these
ridiculous people gave a connotation of certainty and truth to painful and
insecure declarations of the admirers, making them becoming estimated by these
old admirers by reassuring and confirming insecure concepts, about people that
they never really interacted with. Another motivation for hate was brought by
all that unusual impetus, all that beauty and intensity of that amazing person,
that made people realize how much they were limited, small, unconscious, this
sensation was abandoned with the depreciation and the hate against the one who
started these feelings.
The
reunion of these reasons created a generalized hate that constantly made every
action of the unusual girl be interpreted as being futile, stupid and evil,
creating a bad interpretation for all her acts, being this bad interpretation
created by the worst things that the haters could imagine. In these minds, that
always run away from strong feeling, from guilty, the capacity to have bad
feelings about other people are amazing, extremely well developed, making these
persons to be able to imagine, rapidly, many bad aspects and motivation to
anything, creating an awful connotation to whatever they want. In these
unconscious minds this act of self protection were interpreted in a wild way,
acquiring huge and unreal proportions, making the act of hating someone or some
idea even more intense, even more dangerous to the people that they don’t like,
to the ones who make them felt bad about themselves. Remembering some moments,
I feel amazed to know that she is still alive; I will never forget when five
girls tried to beat her and, even after being stabbed by one of the aggressors,
she passed out three of them and made two other girls run away desperately.
This last story was extremely
unusual and dangerous, demanding, for sure, an intervention coming by me, the
only person truly capable of realize all her rarity and all the perfection of
that girl, but that I felt incapable to do. This incapacity was not descendant of
cowardice or anything like that, but was fruit of a delusional curiosity, of an
intense will to know the truly dimension of things, their real aspects,
exploring these things by experiences, feelings, and organizing and giving
meaning with my imagination and my logical capacity; having this profound will,
primarily I destroyed my ego, that made me keep distorted interpretation about
the reality, and, consequently, I struggle myself to live uncommon and intense
situations, many times creating them by myself, waiting that with this I could
be able to made a profound and essential discovery. In that time I was young
and hopeful, and thought that I possessed a powerful brain, capable to
interpret, to imagine, to reunite the truly dimension of my feeling and things
around me… Ah, sweet illusion. That fight was only one more occurring that I
cannot measure with precision, one more experience that was inutile, that did
not reveal nothing and almost cost the life of the person that I like the most…
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